Change for Good Coaching & Counseling

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Our brains and bodies are naturally designed to express a range of emotions and to respond to the emotions of others.  The emotions of fear, shame, and anger serve us in the most dangerous situations we may have to face.  The fear and anger not only energize us to run or fight, but also communicate our emotional state to those close enough to respond.  Our anger lets others know we are energized to attack and they had better respect that.  Fear communicates to others that there is something dangerous nearby, and they might want to get ready to run, too.   Shame also communicates.  It communicate surrender so that our foe will not continue to attack. 

We are also hardwired to express joy, distress, and surprise.  The expression of joy communicates our relief at being safe among friends, while distress communicates our need for help and comfort.
Surprise seems designed to help us assess the situation when something unexpected happens.  It focuses our attention and opens our eyes.

We also come equipped with the ability to recognize these basic emotional states in others.  Mirroring structures in the brain help us to respond to others actions and emotions automatically.  Very young babies understand the difference between a smile and a frown, a lullaby and a scolding and they respond automatically. 

Direct uninhibited emotional response between two people is called intimacy, and babies are natural at it, which is why we often find relationships with babies so rewarding.  Babies are not ashamed to show their feelings, whether they are distress, frustration, delight, fear, or shame itself.  And when we are with them, we are not ashamed to mimic them with goo goos and gah gahs of baby talk that we would be embarassed to see on video, absent the baby context.   We are free to be responsive to a baby's distress or frustration.  We are rewarded by the good feelings of intimacy.

So what goes wrong later?

Somewhere along the line, we learn to try to hide our feelings because our own feelings scare us or we are ashamed of them.  Expressing our feelings becomes associated with feeling vulnerable
because others may make fun of us or try to use our feelings against us.  So we work very hard  to hide our feelings behind a mask of some kind, and in order to do this we work to suppress the emotions.  We can get so good at this that we hide the feelings even from ourselves and feel horrified at the possibility that others could know about our distress, shame, or frustration.  Some of us drink, binge, purge, or work long hours in order to numb ourselves and make it easier to suppress the emotions rather than express them.   And we lose the freedom and delight of intimacy in a habit of hiding behind our mask.  We substitute sex for intimacy and busy routines for friendship. 

Underneath the masks, the busy routines, and the defensive habits, we are still hardwired to express our emotions and respond to others, still hardwired for intimacy if we can let go of the habits we have developed to protect ourselves.  We can escape the trap of these new defensive habits, but we often have to have help to overcome the fear and shame that keep us stuck behind our masks.

When Joe arrives at an AA meeting and sets aside his shame enough to take the first step of introducing himself, “Hi, I’m Joe and I’m an alcoholic,” he stops hiding something he has hidden from himself and tried to hide from others for years.  He is rewarded by the welcome from the other members of the group, “Hi, Joe.”  It is the acceptance that is the first taste of intimacy he has enjoyed in a long time.

For more on Shame, Anger, Fear, and other enemies of intimacy, see www.shameandanger.net or contact Brock Hansen, LICSW at brockhansenlcsw@aol.com

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    All the medical authorities agree: Obesity is the rising health hazard of the new millennium in the US, with increasing risks of diabetes and heart disease, not to mention the impact of weight on the joints of hips, knees, ankles, and feet. Diet and inadequate exercise are the first culprits identified, and there is plenty of evidence to back that up. Solutions are focused on plans to encourage change in our diets and healthy exercise habits in our children. If a child is already obese by the time he or she is twelve, it is very difficult to establish healthy exercise habits after that. The weight itself makes it more difficult and unpleasant, and the motivation for doing something difficult and unpleasant to achieve an invisible goal in the distant future is compromised in too many ways.
    But there is another poisonous ingredient in the stew of causal factors contributing to obesity, and that is stress. Mark Hyman, MD is one of the leading voices pointing out the relationship between stress and obesity. To put it simply, stress is our body’s response to an emergency – any kind of an emergency. Part of the body’s assumption about emergencies is that we may not be able stop to eat while our response to this stressful event is going on. The stressed body therefore generates chemical instructions to eat as much as we can in a hurry and hold on to those calories as long as we can, leading to cravings and the development of a metabolism that holds onto weight we don’t need.
    There are emergencies in our lives to be sure. But the kind of emergencies that prevent us from eating are fewer and fewer in the 21st century. Yet the body responds with the same chemical instructions to hold onto those calories even though the stress we experience is from sources other than survival emergencies.
    Where does all this stress come from? The list is quite long. It comes from, from family and peer group conflict, from high personal expectations and competition, from deadlines and disappointments, from all manner of fears, from the press and noise of modern life.
    It also comes from something less obvious but quite seductive. It also comes from excitement. Excitement is only subtly different from fear – the difference being the expectation of a positive, rather than negative, outcome. Some people jump out of airplanes for excitement, but only because they expect to land safely after the rush of the terrifying free fall. Many more of us go to exciting movies and perch on the edge of our seats with our popcorn and drink within easy reach while the hero and stuntmen barely survive one catastrophe after another with thrilling music stimulating our heartbeats further. We enjoy this safe excitement, and we miss it when it’s over. We get bored without it, and we need more and more excitement to keep the boredom at bay.          This, I believe, is an insidious trend, a kind of addiction to excitement that I call adrenaline addiction. Adrenaline is one of the hormones released to prepare the body to respond to emergency. It focuses the mind and energizes the body, and it feels like a rush that can be pleasant if the expected outcome is positive. So it is not too surprising that the most exciting movies and books are the best sellers; not too surprising that we like to watch action sports and lively debates; not too surprising that we are drawn to gameboys and devices that provide an intermittent reinforcement of our intense involvement with them. Intermittent reinforcement leads to the most persistent habits, so when you don’t win all the time, but you do win occasionally, you are more likely to keep playing.
    All of these activities, associated with a safe form of danger that energizes and focuses the mind with a sense of urgency, generate excitement. Excitement is another form of stress, and the body does not know that this constant diet of stress is not an emergency for which it needs to store calories. Like global warming, however, it is slowly becoming a health emergency. Addiction to excitement - adrenaline addiction – may be a contributing factor in the increasing diagnosis of attention deficit disorder, depression (from boredom or burnout), and substance abuse. Also, like global warming, it is difficult to figure out where to start to do something about this ubiquitous problem. How do we begin to include stress management along with diet and exercise in the national agenda for weight management? How can we motivate youngsters to put down their gameboys and value calmer forms of mental exercise? How can we teach self calming skills to children? Though there are contemplative practices in most spiritual disciplines that have been teaching and practicing this for thousands of years, it is a huge challenge to bring these activities and values into modern life. The momentum of excitement is enormous. Excitement sells. The economy depends on it. All of contemporary life supplies it. And it feels soooo good. The challenge of putting on the brakes is truly humongous, but if we do not recognize it and face it our grandchildren will live shorter and more unhappy lives

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According to a story in the Washington Post on Monday August 27, Seung Hui Cho,  the shooter in the VA Tech tragedy, was diagnosed as having a severe social anxiety disorder known as selective mutism which compelled him to remain silent in class and other public situations and which resulted in him being taunted by peers and criticized by teachers who did not understand his silence.  He was placed in special ed classes where he was sheltered from the worst of this criticism, but was not successfully treated for the disorder so that he could function comfortably in a mainstream social environment.   When he went to college, he was again ostracized by peers and perhaps some teachers because of his odd silence, and he became more isolated and enraged until his anger erupted in the violence that resulted in 33 deaths including his own.

   Severe social anxiety disorder can be better understood as a shame disorder, though the component of anxiety is also extremely high.  Shame is a powerful primary emotion that compels the individual to surrender and hide or withdraw in order to survive.  It is qualitatively different from fear which compels the individual to freeze and hide first, but then run away.  The overwhelming desire of the shamed individual is to avoid exposure, to become invisible and, in Cho’s case, inaudible.  Shame is intensified when the individual is unable to hide and their shame is exposed to others but the shamed individual is paralyzed by the compulsion to surrender and hide and is less likely to escape by running away.  Furthermore, shame inevitably triggers anger, because the one who surrenders needs a surge of aggression to end the life of surrender.  It is likely that Cho withdrew into silence and to fantasies of success or revenge as an escape from the intolerable shame in which he was trapped. 

   Individuals suffering from toxic shame disorders may find it even more difficult to seek treatment than individuals with anxiety disorders.  There is less information available in public about shame and the individual is so motivated to hide that they may have difficulty acknowledging the need for treatment or believing in the possibility of recovery.  Some individuals are so terrified of the shame of making a mistake that they avoid making any decision or taking action until a crisis makes it unavoidable.  Then, the anger may be the dominant emotion that drives the decision.  Sufferers and their families may be ashamed of the disorder and avoid exposing it by seeking treatment.  Shame over the stigma of emotional disorders is a major roadblock to treatment. 

   A greater understanding of the connections between toxic shame, anger, and anxiety can open doors for treatment to many who suffer silently and whose growing anger is not only self destructive, but can become a danger to others.

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In a recent column by Dr. Joyce Brothers, I found the following references to shame and anger:

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I did something terrible to a cousin of mine, and I can't cope with the sense of shame I've had ever since I did it. I've always had a short fuse regarding any possible threat to my own family, and that's what was behind my action, which almost broke up this woman's marriage. I won't go into details, but what can I do to get rid of my guilt? She refuses to talk to me. I've tried to apologize. Now, because of the depression from my shame, I'm hurting my own family and my marriage. Maybe that's my penalty. -- V.C.

DEAR V.C.: Shame is a powerful and destructive emotion. One of the reasons shame in itself can cause so much harm is because it gets in the way and blocks our ability to feel other emotions, such as love. About the only emotion it doesn't block is anger, and that's hardly an emotion that produces positive results. You're stalled in your life right now, frozen in the past and filled with anger at yourself for having done whatever you did. You're correct in saying that this will hurt your relationships with your children and your husband.

Since you've tried to apologize and make amends, I believe you need to try to forgive yourself even if the victim of your errors won't forgive you. If you haven't already done this, find someone you can trust, and confide in him or her. This will help you to be able to put the past behind you so you can focus on the present and the future, doing whatever you can to make them better.

    Self forgiveness can be tricky.  I have worked with a lot of people who stumble over the notion of deserving forgiveness.  How do you know if you deserve forgiveness?  It’s one of those unanswerable questions unless you accept that God’s forgiveness is free for the asking and that is all that matters.  Even then, according to friends in the institutional church better versed than I in the theology of grace, asking for forgiveness matters because it indicates your acknowledgement of sin and intention to do better.  If you base your self forgiveness on the opinion of another, even a trusted friend, there is always the possibility that your friend may, for their own emotional reasons, confirm your fear that you don’t deserve forgiveness. 

There are some things you can do to untangle this kind of situation.

    Self evaluation requires a commitment to a set of personal behavioral standards that you decide for yourself.  You can base these on common standards and lessons you learned growing up, or you can revise those according to your own beliefs, but you are the one who can craft personal standards into a code by which you want to live.   Stephen Covey discusses the value of a “personal mission statement” in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  Once conceived, thought through, refined, and memorized, the personal mission statement can provide the core reminder of a body of standards for your own behavior that can provide a moral compass to guide your choices and behaviors to be the person you want to be. 

    If one of my standards is, say, to be slow to anger, and I fail at this from time to time, I can be ashamed of myself, angry at myself and refuse to forgive myself, which can morph into toxic shame that not only harms me but spills over onto those close to me.  Or I can make a plan to do better in the future and take some steps to commit to this plan.  Once I am on the path to improvement, I can let go of the anger and more easily forgive myself for the past mistake, perhaps even recognizing the mistake as an opportunity and incentive for improvement.

    If the victim of my anger will not forgive me for my past failing, it does not help me to persist in my own self denial, better to commit to improvement and get on with it.  What can I do about the unforgiving victim?  It might help to forgive them for not being ready to forgive you.  Or, if you are in a position to talk with them, you might even thank them for providing you the incentive to improve yourself. 

    For more on Shame and Anger see www.shameandanger.net.

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I like to define assertiveness as the art of asking for what you want in a way that makes it easy for the other person to give it to you. Once you realize this is a skill that can be learned by anyone, and can be learned easily by children at an early age when they are soaking all kinds of communications skills like little sponges, it soon becomes clear how assertiveness is preferable to the other ways of getting what you want.

Kids have other ways of trying to get what they need or want. They come born with the ability to cry and whine, to alert the big people that they are unhappy and something needs to change. Crying or whining works for babies and very small children who can't communicate their needs very specifically. It is irritating or distressing, so it gets parents' attention and motivates us to do something to stop the crying. When parents respond appropriately and the baby is comforted, she stops crying and parents feel better.

Demanding attention with an aggressive tone is also possible, even for very small children. Like whining, it is irritating, but it can be effective because the squeaky wheel often does get the grease. But it can also generate resistance because of a sense of a power struggle, and sometimes parents begin to say no automatically to a lot of requests when they feel that they are burdensome demands.

Quite a few young children learn that they can make others uncomfortable in a quiet way by pouting or suffering silently without making a noisy fuss. This works in some relationships, but also tends to generate irritation or resistance. And before long, many learn to use a form of logic to wear parents down, "Why can't I have it? Johnny's mom lets him have it." This is manipulation and it is only a little surprising that most of us learn a variety of manipulative behaviors simply by observing others by the time we are three.

By contrast to these behaviors, asking clearly for what you want is more effective for children and certainly more effective and acceptable for adults. Assertive asking is respectful of the other because it gives them a choice to say yes or no, whereas whining or demanding or pouting are manipulative. Asking politely generates less resistance because it is less irritating or aggressive. When the assertive individual is specific and clear about what he is asking for, it does not force the other to guess what is needed. Crying or pouting often leaves it up to the other to guess how to resolve the problem. Finally, asking gives the other a chance to feel good when they grant your request and you thank them for it.

Assertive asking is an Emotional Intelligence skill that toddlers can learn, and can benefit them greatly later in life as well as making family life for parents much more pleasant. Unfortunately, many of us never master this skill. You don't have to look very far to find bosses who only know how to demand and criticize or friends who only seem to know how to manipulate, coerce, pout, or threaten to get what they want.

Parents can teach assertive asking in two simple ways:
1) Simply ask your toddler, calmly and persistently, to rephrase their whiny demand as an assertive request. When they do it, reward them as often as practical by granting their request. When you have to say no, first praise them for their assertiveness then cushion your denial with some offer of an alternative.
2) Demonstrate assertive asking in communications between adults and between adults and older children in the family. Enlist older siblings in teaching assertiveness. Calm persistence and repetition are just as effective in teaching the skill of assertiveness as they are in teaching language skills and other social skills.

A little later on, you can explain that the polite but persistent asking you practice in your family is called assertiveness. They will have noticed that others don't always do this and you can explain why assertive asking is better. Then you can teach some of the finer points of assertiveness that make it possible to overcome resistance without losing your patience. These can be found in any of the good books on assertiveness.

The hardest thing about assertiveness lies in knowing what you need so that you can ask for it clearly. The request must be specific, and realistic. Sometimes this requires some problem solving skills that young children don't yet have, and parents can help by making some suggestions about what they might ask for. "Do you think you are tired and need someone to read you a story?" "Can you ask for that?"

The next most important thing in assertiveness is timing, which requires some empathy for the other person so that your request can be heard. Children shouldn't have to be too sensitive to their parents' needs, though they often are acutely aware and can be quite naturally empathic. Parents can help the child develop this skill be coaching them: "I can't read you a story right now, because I am fixing dinner, but if you remind me after dinner, I would be happy to."

The final key to effective assertiveness is persistence. Children rarely have difficulty with this, but adults often give up after asking once and not getting what they want. You have to know that lots of people respond negatively at first, but will be able to hear your request and respond positively if you are persistent. And when their positive response is rewarded with your gratitude, mutual cooperation is enhanced.

Children stop asking and revert to whining, demanding, pouting, or sneaking if they are intimidated or denied too often and too harshly. They need to know that asking is alright and that it works. This undermines the shame and anger that can develop in an environment where it is not ok to ask. One of the greatest hurdles to learning assertiveness is the assumption that having to ask means that you are weak or unable to do something for yourself. This common belief makes it shameful to ask and cuts us off from one of the greatest tools we have at our disposal, the ability to communicate and cooperate with others to get what we need.
For more on the insidious nature of shame and how it undermines effective assertiveness, see Shame and Anger: The Criticism Connection at www.shameandanger.net