MD Custom Builders, LLC

The stress of a home improvement can push any couple to the brink, but the DeOliveiras' renovation has been going on for more than five years!  REDBOOK Love Network expert Norman Epstein, Ph.D., helps this pair fix up their house-and their relationship.

Kim and Fred's East Hanover, NJ, home is in shambles:  The roof is missing shingles, the downstairs bathroom is a pile of rubble, doors have fallen off hinges, a ceiling fan exploded, window screens are torn, and paint is peeling off walls.  This state of neglect and disrepair would be a bitter pill to swallow under any circumstances, but the fact that Fred, 49, is a talented contractor who could easily make the needed repairs himself only adds to this couple's angst.  "Other couples argue about how to raise the kids, deal with the in-laws, or handle money, but we're compatible on all those issues," says Kim, 47, a part-time office manager for her father's car service and mother of two college-age children.  "Our big issue is that my husband is a handyman who never does anything at home."

Although he concedes that he's dropped the home-improvement ball, Fred - who commutes two hours each way to a contracting job six days a week - doesn't see a simple solution to the problem.  "Sundays are my only days off, and construction is the last thing I want to do," he says.  "And I just can't stomach paying someone else.  Plus I think, Nobody can do it right but me."  Because Fred's work schedule has him out of the home so much, Kim feels like their sorry surroundings have taken a bigger emotional toll on her.  "With Fred working all the time, I feel alone, but I won't invite people over because our house is just embarrassing," Kim says.  "I don't think he's really considered how bad this makes me feel.  It's just an ever-present issue that causes tension between us."  Thankfully, Fred - who for a long time considered the fix-it debacle a minor issue - now agrees that something's got to give.  "I'm a very low-maintenance person who couldn't care less about the type of curtains we have up," he says.  "But even I don't want to look at my own house anymore."

The fact that the couple - who have been married for 22 otherwise harmonious years - is now in agreement in terms of desiring change is an excellent first step to breaking out of their rut, says REDBOOK Love Network expert Norman Epstein, Ph.D., director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Maryland.  "Now Kim and Fred need to find ways to defuse the tension surrounding their situation and get past feeling overwhelmed," Epstein adds.  "They can start by learning to make compromises and getting organized."

CONFLICT FLASHPOINT: Avoiding confrontation, breeding resentment.

Kim has been frustrated by Fred's inaction on the home improvement front for five years and counting, but she has spent most of this time biting her tongue.  "I didn't want to be a nag because I'm afraid to annoy Fred, but that tactic totally backfired," she says.  "Nothing has gotten done, and my resentment has been bulding up."

Kim describes Fred as a "kind, patient, loving, and consistent" spouse, and the couple agree that he has never given her any reason to dread his contempt or wrath.  They both wonder whether Kim's reluctance to address her concerns with Fred stems from her quitting her corporate executive job to become a stay-at-home mom years ago.  "If I was still working and making my own money, I probably would have hired someone to do the work.  The fact that I can't just take matters into my own hands anymore is bad for my confidence," says Kim.  Fred, who cops to being "inherently lazy," wishes Kim would be firmer with him.  "I work best when there's structure and accountability, which I haven't had at home," he says.  "I keep telling Kim, 'You have to say what you think and what you want.'"

THE EXPERT'S ADVICE:  Get on the same page about what needs to get done.

Like many women, Kim is afraid of falling prey to what Epstein calls a "demand withdraw pattern," where the wife plays the role of nag and the husband buries his head in the sand.  "Kim needs to remind herself that stating what needs to be done is not going to cause a deep rift.  At worst, Fred will be slightly annoyed, but it's not going to damage what is a very healthy, strong relationship," Epstein says.  To see each other as teammates rather than adversaries, the couple should discuss and write down the things that would help both of them feel like the house is less out of control.  Then they should prioritize the tasks:  How important is each one?  And how hard or easy is it to do?  Fred should start with the projects that are high in importance but low in terms of difficulty.  The first small item Fred scratches off his list will make a big difference and motivate him to keep going.  Plus, getting a project done will make Kim feel like she's been heard and respected.  It will give her tangible proof of Fred's care and love for her, which will make her feel more comfortable about keeping him focused.  Scheduling work and updating the to-do list - will further bolster Kim's self-esteem.  Whipping her house back into shape will show Kim that she's capable of a major undertaking and drive home that she plays a very important role in keeping her family happy.

CONFLICT FLASHPOINT:  Seeking perfection, creating chaos.

Kim and Fred's fix-it stalemate is a somewhat inevitable consequence of their very different personalities, a major factor in their initial attraction back in the summer of 1983, when Kim was a dreamy literary college grad and Fred was a long-haired, bandanna-wearing construction worker.  "I do 52 things half way; he does one thing perfectly.  He's careful and meticulous; I'm scattered and practically incapable of even hanging a picture on the wall," says Kim.  In every other area of their marriage, Kim and Fred appreciate their differences and the way they make their life together more interesting to find a middle path that would make them both happy.  "Kim can start one chore, get halfway through it, and start doing something in another room, but with me, whatever I'm doing - whether it's working or relaxing - I'm 100 percent there," Fred explains.  "The tasks that need to be done in our home can't be completed in half an hour.  Plus, it's not practical to start something I can't finish because the things I do disrupt the house."

THE EXPERT'S ADVICE:  Cut projects down to size.

The job that Fred now faces is so big, no one in his right mind would want to do it.  Add to that his self-inflicted pressure - he truly believes he is the only one who can do the job right - and it's no wonder if feels like too much to take on.  Even though money is really tight for the couple with two kids currently in college, Epstein urges Fred to subcontract some of the work, like painting and basic handiwork.  He's in a great position because the people he hires know they can't be sloppy since Fred's a proffessional  who knows what's what.  Yes there's a financial investment involved, but the payoff would be great.  It would erase a great deal of stress in Fred's life and their marriage.  As for Kim, Epstein advises that she support her husband's innate need to have work that's precise, complete, and meeting the highest standard.

CONFLICT FLASHPOINT:  Protecting quality time, sacrificing fix-it time.

Before Fred started his current, very demanding job, he was working sporadically and had plenty of opportunities to address the mounting pile of home projects - but he was focused on spending time with his children and dealing with his mother's slow death from Alzheimer's in 2001.  Now that Fred is working full-time, Kim is more hesitant than ever to crack the fix-it whip.  "I want our time together to be peaceful.  Sundays are our only time to talk, catch up, and connect," she explains.  "Plus I feel as though he deserves to watch football or space out given his brutal week."  Fred is completely stumped as to how to carve out even a sliver of time for home improvement.  "Even when I have time off it seems like we're always rushing off somewhere, whether it's a birthday party or a family event," he says.

THE EXPERT'S ADVICE:  Turn chores in to quality time.

Given how little time Kim and Fred have as a couple, Epstein agrees that they need to fiercely protect any opportunity to be together.  His solution?  Let Kim play apprentice to Fred.  "Figure out some jobs that Kim can help with," he suggests.  "Since you both have such different working styles, make the parameters of the task very clear: Kim will do X, Y, and Z, while Fred does A, B, and C.  And agree upom a limited amount of time, say an hour, for you to work as a team."  While Kim hands Fred the tools he needs or lays down protective covering, the couple can talk about their days, the kids, or whatever else comes to mind.  "The two of you have lost sight of how much your physical environment is affecting your feelings," says Epstein.  "Sure, it would be nice to have an afternoon free to watch TV together or lounge in bed, but at this point, making fixes around the house will actually mean more."  Plus, the couple's working together will change their whole perspective on the situation.  "Rather than something that's gotten between them," says Epstein, "this project might turn into something that brings them closer."

THE COUPLE'S REACTION:

Kim:  "There's still plenty to be done and very little time to do it, but there's a lot less tension in the air and we're making slow progress.  One more Sunday and we'll be done with the first big project: repairing and painting the walls in my daughter's room.  I've been helping out by making sure that Fred eats and drinks enough while he works and has the right music on.  I've made several lists and we've discussed priorities, which makes me feel better."

Fred:  "Last weekend, I sent Kim to the Home Depot to get me some spackle, saving myself two hours back and forth.  I never would have thought of doing that before.  We're talking through what we need to do more, which makes it a little less overwhelming.  We also started putting away $50 a week so we can hire someone in the future.  My plan is to do as much as I can in the meantime and get somebody else to finish the house up once our fund is big enough."

How are they doing now?  Get the update!  Log onto redbookmag.com/marriagemakeover for the latest from Kim and Fred themselves.

Article by: Hagar Scher for REDBOOK magazine