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Gender roles and power structures have been hot button issues for a few decades as the world has been shifting away from being primarily a patriarchy. These topics can trigger charged emotional responses from people that cannot comprehend a world less focused on gender and male dominance. Progress never lacks opposition. It can be difficult to justify some of the results of more gender role fluidity and fewer ‘nuclear families.’ Seeing a friend transition to another gender can feel uneasy, even deceitful to some. How can they be certain they won’t regret it? If nothing else, knowing how they may be treated by the world can be heartbreaking. Kids being raised with no male, or no female, parental influence do frequently experience developmental difficulties. These things may never have any simple answers. As gender and patriarchy have evolved and weakened in importance, polyamory and polygamy have been gaining traction, and in these lifestyles we may find a lot of answers. Think about what an intimate relationship really is. At the core it is simply people that care deeply for each other and have agreed to share life in some way. Sex is a nice bonus, but doesn’t always need to be a major factor in maintaining a healthy companionship. In fact, as we get older, sex becomes less important in life overall. At least for most people. Labels like girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, and wife are labels that can be used to make it easy for others to comprehend your relationship. However, none of these labels are absolutely necessary to define the nature of any of your life partnerships. If you really think about it, everyone is already polyamorous. The term has nothing to do with your chosen sex partners. We are moving into an era in which people are being allowed to take more control over the ways they choose to live and express their love. Consider a woman that wants to become a sister wife. She may be sexually attracted to men and women, or only men, and she may even prefer male leadership in a family either way. As she seeks the polygamous family that’s right for her she has a responsibility to express her real desires and intentions to candidates. A feminist that enjoys sexual intimacy with women, but doesn’t consider herself a lesbian, shouldn’t get involved with a polygamous family that won’t allow for sex among the sister wives and views the husband as the central authority. Before making judgments about any of these people, remind yourself that there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with any of them. They can only be wrong if they are not living honestly and assuring the relationships they maintain contribute to the happiness of everyone involved. The poly movement is not about discrediting the value of tradition, it’s about ensuring people are free to choose the right things for themselves. In fact, polygamy itself suggests a more traditional commitment element within relationships. Polyamory is more open to interpretation than polygamy. It opens the door for people to explore the relationships that really make them tick. It lets them choose the power structures in their relationships and frees them to explore intimacy with anyone they choose, regardless of gender. Obviously, a person’s sexuality will have a major influence on the partners with whom they choose to explore these things. However, as relationships evolve to reflect real human yearnings it’s likely some our intimate relationships won’t involve sex at all. On the other hand, it’s also likely people will eventually not be so stubborn about their sexual orientation. Poly ‘families’ of all sexual orientations sharing life and love shows a lot of promise in resolving many problems couples and individuals face today. When a group of people decide to form a loving bond they are also committing to building each other up in life. If there are kids involved they’ll have multiple adult influences helping them through the maze of childhood and adolescence. Gender roles and positions of authority can be adjustable according to abilities and needs within the group. It could almost be viewed as a commune-like structure where everyone is contributing to the best of their evolving abilities. Multiple lines of income will keep the family from falling behind as many couples and individuals do today. The unconditional love and support from multiple sources can keep mental health in check. Letting each partner lead with the things they are best equipped to handle will help avoid so many of the downfalls it’s easy to encounter in life. Naturally, having five people on your team will be better than only two. Not all of these possibilities work for everyone, and that’s okay. Some people will never have a sexual interest in someone of the same sex or opposite sex. Many very traditional polygamists will always want a male lead family and sister wives that will only be involved with him as their husband. Some people will never be able to handle someone that transitions from one gender to another. Not evolving with the world around you doesn’t inherently make you wrong or bad. The way you respond determines that. Especially within the poly community, it’s vitally important that we respect every relationship we encounter. Their reasons to be together have nothing to do with you. If a friend expresses an interest in someone or something you’re not familiar with, support them. It’s better to listen, accept, and be available if anything goes wrong than to try and enforce your views on anyone. If a buddy mentions he joined a polygamy dating site, talk to him openly about it. If a friend expresses discomfort with their birth gender, help them sort through those feelings and make the healthiest decision. If your lifelong girlfriend decides to explore polygamy and what it means to be a sister wife, hold her hand for the journey. Allowing people to form the bonds and love lives they truly desire isn’t hurting anyone. It’s helping. If you can’t help them find their true loves, at least don’t stand in their way. Published By: Christopher Alesich Matchmakers, Inc:Sisterwives.com Originally Published atSister Wives

By SisterWives

Poly, Love, Not Double Standards

There’s an old saying which is rarely used today, but it’s meaning remains every bit as valid. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” Essentially it refers to treating people the same as you’d like to be treated, but it goes further in suggesting you should have the same expectations as others expect of you. Think about a time a rule was explicitly enforced on you while you watched someone else blatantly ignore the rule then suffer no consequence for it. It’s common in the workplace. A co-worker befriends a member of management and comes in a few minutes late almost every day, but never is a word spoken of it. You come in late twice in one week and end up with a verbal warning, or worse. It’s an unfortunate tendency in human nature. For my friends, the world. Everyone else, the rules. Double standards in the workplace are frustrating, but typically there are resources to correct the situation. Double standards at home, or in intimate relationships, are far more complex. Relationships don’t have written rules so it’s up to each participant to set expectations and standards and stick to them. Here are a few ways to avoid power imbalances and double standards in your poly relationship. Sticking with workplace examples to make the next point. At work there is usually a manager to oversee operations, ensure employees are performing up to par, and implement disciplinary action when needed. This is not how intimate relationships should work. Everyone involved in a relationship is a ‘manager’ of that relationship and should be treated as such. Even if you’re into power play, or other similar kink, it should not be the guiding principle of your day to day relationship. Indulge yourself, but don’t lose yourself. When you invite a new person into your existing relationship, you are fully welcoming their input about relationship structure and expectations. When a polygamous man finds a new sister wife, she needs to be equal to any existing wives. There are some areas where trust has to be developed, naturally, but no efforts should be made to thwart a new member of your poly group from expressing themselves to the fullest. If your desire is to limit or control others, it’s not love you’re after. Even in the world of polyamorous relationships there is a surprising amount of unreasonable jealousy. I’ve lost count of the number of times poly friends have expressed that they want to date other people, but want their partner to only be with them. This is usually expressed with full knowledge that it’s ridiculous, but is a real feeling nonetheless. In a world with too many people clinging to the idea of relationships as a form of possession, it’s not easy to break the habit. In order to grow a polygamous family or polyamorous group there has to be an environment that encourages dating and free expression. Patriarchal structures add a layer of difficulty to this concept. In a polygamous family, usually it’s only the husband that dates prospective new sister wives. The only way to justify this is by ensuring each current wife is happy with the arrangement and knows she is also free to start dating if she ever wants to. Some people will balk at this idea, but don’t forget, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. It’s only fair. Marriage, of any type, stopped being about possession decades ago. Love is what keeps people together. Don’t poison it with a double standard based on your inability to trust. Trust is such a trigger word. It’s hard to maintain, easy to lose, and is required for healthy relationships in every aspect of life. We will stop going to a restaurant after years of enjoying the place based on one bad experience. We’ll convince ourselves to drive two miles out of the way for something we need because an employee at the local shop had a bad day once and was rude. Trust is complicated. There is no easier time to employ a double standard than when we feel our trust has been tested. In situations with the local shop or restaurant the only damage our pettiness will cause is a little less business they likely won’t even notice. However, pettiness over silly incidents with the ones we love can cause irreversible damage. It can kick off a litany of power plays and double standards that will ensure the demise of even the strongest relationship. People will show the worst of themselves when they feel they have something to prove. The only thing we should be concerned with proving to a lover is our ability to love. Love is forgiving, supportive, and without nefarious intent. Relationships come in so many forms it would be impossible to pin them all down. Each person involved in an arrangement brings a unique perspective that should mold the relationship into something that is beautiful to them. There is really no wrong way to have a relationship as long as it reflects all of the people in it. We make the most amazing things in this world when we bring all of our best ideas to the table. You have to love and trust each other. When you look for polyamorous dates you need to keep the current love in your life at the forefront of your heart. A relationship cannot be healthy if anyone feels neglected or unhappy. Never prioritize pride, selfish desires, or pettiness over the people you love. Remember this, and that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and you’ll have a strong platform to work from. Polygamy dating, poly dating, and maintaining happy relationships is enough work already. Don’t make it worse by ignoring a double standard when you see it, whether it’s your double standard or a lovers’. Love is always more important than ego. Published By: Christopher Alesich Matchmakers, Inc:Sisterwives.com Originally Published atSister Wives

By SisterWives